People have been asking me how I am the entire Impact conference
and even after conference. Actually people have been asking me how I am all of
my life. Lol! If you greet someone, usually the first thing they say is “how
are you?” My typical response is to say, “I’m okay” or “I’m good.” It’s as if
that is the only response I could give, because any other response would be
facing the pain inside or the weaknesses that I had not yet come to terms with.
TRUTH IS….. I’m NOT okay.
I am B R O K E N.
My entire life I have felt like I had to be strong. I have
felt like I had to hold everything in and be happy. I didn’t want to burden others
with my problems or a DEEPER issue… I didn’t want to face them myself. During
conference, I broke down probably 10 different times. I didn’t know why most of
this was happening, but I definitely know why now. It was God breaking me. For
so long I felt the need to “have it all together.” As a believer and often
times as a leader, there is so much pressure to have all of your ducks in a
row. This pressure is nothing new to me; this pressure has actually been
present all of my life. Growing up in a home where it is expected for me to
make straight As and have everything in line, I hadn’t really come to terms
with failure or the idea of messing up. I knew in my head that we all mess up,
but I wasn’t living that way. No matter how broken I may have felt, I would
always put a smile on and cover it up. The words, “I’m good” had become an
automatic response to the point that I didn’t even think of how I really felt
within. I was preaching the Gospel to others. Telling them how broken and
messed up we are and how much we need a savior, but I was living a life that
said “I have it all together and don’t need a savior.” It was HEAD knowledge to
me, but not HEART knowledge. I recognized that my God is holy, powerful, great,
worthy, etc… but I wasn’t acknowledging my weaknesses….my sin.
“For all have sinned and FALL short of they glory of God.”
–Romans 3:23
Did you catch that? FALL. We cannot miss this. This is HUGE!
Fall is the present tense. This means it is currently happening. Sometimes in
our minds we change it to FELL. We think that we only need a savior to be
saved. But the truth is that we need a savior each and every day for the rest
of our lives. We don’t just become a believer and have it all together. It’s a
PROCESS- One that won’t be complete until Jesus returns (Phillippians 1:6). Are
we really okay with not being okay? Are we REALLY okay with not being in
control of our growth? Are we really okay with the fact that WE AREN’T GOD?
God revealed to me that by me not being open and transparent
about my faults, in a sense I was trying to be God. I was trying to grow
myself. Sure, I would share my struggles with others about things that God has
freed me from. But I would share as if I wasn’t going through it now… I am
free! But just because I am free from it, doesn’t mean I don’t still struggle.
Right now I am broken. I placed so much hope in my
relationship with my boyfriend that I took my eyes off God, my boyfriend and I
just broke up, I struggle with insecurity, sometimes I have so much pride and
cannot admit when I need help… BUT YOU KNOW WHAT??
I can boast in my weaknesses because Christ’s power is
magnified in that! People can see what God is doing in me when I’m open and
that brings God glory. It may not feel good to me because it makes me vulnerable.
But as long as it brings glory to God, that’s all that matters! I am needy! I need Jesus every second and
minute of the day. And right now I am right where God wants me to be. “It’s
okay to not be okay, but it’s not okay to stay that way.” Wise words from
Pastor Jerome Gay.
I encourage you all to really evaluate where you are. Not
where you want to be, but where you are. Be honest with yourself! You are freed
up to be honest because of what Jesus did! Jesus died on the cross for our
past, present, and future sins. There is no guilt, shame, or condemnation in
Christ. We don’t have to worry about what people think because of what Christ
did on the cross.
1 John 8-9 says, “If we say we have no sin, we deceive
ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful
and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
To confess means to “say the same thing as.” When we confess
we are agreeing with God that we have sinned and that it is sin. But you can be
encouraged that He is faithful to cleanse us! Confession is an opportunity to
be cleansed. This whole walk with God is a sanctification (cleansing) process.
God is faithful to forgive and to cleanse! Trust Him friends!
Love,
Mazie Jasper
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